You could suddenly face this question from a friend, a relative, someone you love, a work colleague, a health worker or even a member of the public. When somebody wants to know how you got infected, always ask yourself:
Who is asking me for this information? You may decide to give some people more information than others. What you would tell your doctor may be different from what you tell a sexual partner, a friend or a work colleague. You will need to remember the story you tell to each person. Have set answers ready for those difficult questions. Why is this person asking this question? Are they just being nosey? What do they really want to know? What can I say that will be a good answer for them? Remember, not everybody wants the full story about how you got infected. Develop good lies and half-truths to use if the person isn’t going to be your friend or you don’t like them.
It’s hard to know what to say about being positive when you first meet somebody new whom you’re going to have sex with. Some positive people try to make the occasion as casual as possible - especially if all they want is sex. They think that telling straight away will scare anybody off and stop the chance of something developing. Some like to wait for a while to work out whether the new person can be trusted, as they feel nervous about being asked how they caught it.
So when is the right time to tell? It is hard to know how any person will react. If they’re the wrong type they’ll simply make a quick exit. If they like you they’ll stay, but be confused and flipped out for a while. So there’s never going to be a best time to tell. Each time is going to be different.
A new sex partner may ask ‘Why do we need to use a condom?’ There are a number of possible replies.
Let’s not risk it. You’re too special. We’ll be more relaxed. It’s better for us. You can trust me without any worries. We can have good sex and stay healthy. I’m feeling hot and want to protect you - you can help me put it on. It makes me last longer. That’s got to be good for you!
Some positive partners fear that their negative partner will tell other people, even a close friend, that they are HIV positive. Sometimes the negative partner tells somebody else simply because they can no longer cope with the isolation and silence that comes from being unable to talk openly to anyone.
It’s always useful for you both to agree on who can be told and to think way ahead about all of this. Some of the questions you need to answer together are: Why do we want to tell them? Why do we feel they want to know? Will they think it’s important enough to keep it to themselves? What are the advantages and disadvantages for each of us and are either of us likely to regret that we have told?
